What the Hell Am I Doing Again?

What the hell am I doing again? Don’t you know? If you do, please remind me, won’t you? I’ve been thinking about it but I have no idea. I mean, really, I’m at a loss.

Have you ever had this question smack you in the head? It’s that moment–or series of moments–when you just get confused about your direction in life. Let’s be honest; it happens. If we’re really honest with ourselves, we can think back and pinpoint dozens of these beautiful little times. You may have passed an entire year in this state of limbo, maybe when you were just out of school and pondering your direction. Maybe you spent several weeks at another time of life losing sleep and clutching a bottle of tequila to stimulate creativity, or to just go numb. Life throws changes at you: relationships begin and end; you start and finish projects; people die; you lose your job. The list could go on. No matter what the circumstance, I’m sure most of us can relate to experiencing a major life change and pondering a new direction, thinking about it and thinking about it until we reach the point of over-thinking about it and become frustrated, exasperated, and confused. You might catch yourself asking, “Damn it, what the hell am I doing again?'” “Where do I go from here?” “Am I just sitting here wasting my time?”

That was me yesterday. I promise you: it wasn’t the first time, it was just the most recent. The catalysts for this experience are many, from selling our house in Oregon to spending the winter in Mexico with just a fraction of our old possessions–most of which languish in storage and we realize we no longer need– to leaving behind one job I really couldn’t do from Mexico to most recently being let go from the one that I could. That job thing gets you every time; even if you saw the end coming, it’s still an end, and it can still dump you off in another country by the side of the highway with no present source of income. For more details, see http://www.sunnyspicylovefest/let-me-be-in-mexico-when-you-fire-me-wont-you-please/

Yep, that was me. Naturally, this event has led to a period of thinking. What happened yesterday is that it hit a head; I had been coasting through striking a balance between thinking, relaxing, and gearing up for a whole new world of work when all of a sudden the question just hit me. I’m not sure how you react when it hits you, but I just thought, “What the fuck?!” I mean, really, that was the thought, and it came across more like a scream. It is never pretty.

So, then, what happened? First–and I recommend this to all people–I turned off my computer. Blog posts weren’t just arriving out of thin air, after all, and I couldn’t concentrate on any research, so what the hell? Second, I made myself put down my cell phone–how many times do we just zone out on that stupid thing, mindlessly scrolling through our Facebook feeds while drool puddles at the side of our mouths, our brains fry like a strip of bacon, and the drool begins to slither down our cheeks? No more electronics. Third, head to the refrigerator. Open it. Fourth, pull out a beer, then open it. Last night it was a nice bottle of Negra Modelo. Fifth, walk out the sliding glass door into our tropical backyard surrounded by palm trees and go sit down by the pool. Sixth, watch the bats circle at twilight. Seventh, sip beer. Keep sipping. Take a deeper breath than you did before. Aaaah.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well, I have found that the simple actions usually work the best. This is especially true for those in the midst of a work-and-career-reinvention, and any other ongoing, stressful situation. I find I need to put it in perspective; this is my backyard, after all, and it could be worse. Oh yes, it could be a lot worse.

And no, in case you’re wondering, I didn’t use my exasperation over work and life direction to get drunk. I did have a second beer, though. What can I tell you? I like Negra Modelo, and I like tropical evenings. I got up this morning feeling better and a lot more energetic. It is good to slow down the brain sometimes.

Do you have any rituals that help you when you’re stressed, or when your job ends and your next source of income is unknown? Please comment here. We all experience the stress of change in our lives; it would be helpful to see what works for you. Thank you in advance and thank you for reading! Please have a very relaxing evening, whether you’re in a tropical climate or not.